The Glimpse of My Past

Diane’s P. O. V.

After closing my eyes and covering my ears, I had the audacity to successfully move my feet. I ran away as I felt a high dose of electric shock somewhere, which caused the scene to shift into where I was crowned as Queen of the Prom way back in my high school years.

It also includes the moment when I graduated as second honorable mention with C. A. T. Leadership Award for being the highest female leader during our school year’s Citizenship Army Training. I couldn’t be happier as I smiled widely after taking my bow on the stage.

Admiration could be seen on people’s faces. They were proud of me, for I always had both beauty and brains. For that, I held my head up high while boosting my self-confidence even more. On top of those features, I had always been a strong-willed person.

My late father was a policeman, and to attain that leadership award, I immensely did my best for him to become proud of me in heaven. I considered those happenings as my best life achievements during my teenage years.

A genuine smile escaped on my lips while watching my life’s precious and sparkling moments in front of me. At some point, I realized that my life was still meaningful despite all the trials that tested my strength.

My mom was still there alongside my two siblings, who never gave me a headache. They were my number one reasons not to give up, to keep up the fight and be with them, as well as to find the exit so I could finally get out of here.

But everything deliberately went black after. Radiant lights and lively people gradually disappeared as well as my family. I extended my arm and reached out to them, but they just completely vanished like tiny bubbles in the air.

By running again, I got almost tripped without knowing where I was heading. It was as if there was no end through this peculiar tunnel I was treading. Having no definite destination, I couldn’t figure out how to move on.

I was all alone when suddenly, I got abducted by unknown men and was forced to get inside a van no matter how I struggled to get away from them. I used all my strength to scream on top of my lungs. I also tried to fight them back, but one man roguishly punched me right through my stomach.

They blindfolded me, tied my hands at the back, and covered my face with a strange-stinky cloth, which eventually made my eyelids droop. I lost consciousness but woke up in the middle of darkness with a mysterious and drunk man on top of my body.

The next thing I knew was I already lost my purity to a stranger. That on the eve of my eighteenth birthday, I was raped. Not just once. Not even how many times I shed tears and begged for him to spare me… but no matter how hard I tried to plea, he never listened to me!

That said, I was ruined and damaged. I was like a beautiful glass that completely shattered into pieces. Even if I tried to put up the broken pieces and build myself again, I couldn’t do anything about it because I already got marked with a horrible dent.

My dignity was gone. My dreams were crushed. My life crumbled down. My soul had been torn apart.Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

The next morning, I opened my eyes and found my naked body right next to him. He was sleeping soundly like an angel, but last night proved that he was otherwise a devil-who ravaged me for how many times while satisfying his deadly lust with my body.

He was snoring, that he didn’t even notice that I already removed myself away from the bed. Then, I cried from the excruciating pain in between my legs, and from there, I figured out the evidence that what he did to me was real. I also saw the bloodstain from the white bedsheet, and it was not just a dream.

The devil carelessly stole my virginity. He took my virginity just like that while I was too helpless and in so much distress-too weak to fight for my dignity. That made me cry again as I could no longer help myself from releasing the hot water through my cheeks.

My tears were almost blinding me, but that scene made me realize that I actually went in front of him to see his face clearly, before finally leaving him. He was such a demon with an angelic face, but how could he do this to me? How could he ruin my life in just a blink of an eye?

When I got home, I immediately went to the shower. I washed my entire body repeatedly, even the tip of my fingernails, hoping that every trace of that rapist’s touch and hickeys would quickly fade away. But despite everything, I knew that it was impossible to happen. It was all too late.

The realization made me slowly crouch down until my butt was seated on the tiled floor while the water was unstoppably gushing throughout my naked body. I couldn’t get more disgusted with myself.

Filled with hatred, I loathed every part of me because of that incident. Every time I could remember how that devil raped me, I would only feel that every part of me was no longer different from those dirty women selling their bodies.

All the shits that he made me feel that night was traumatizing me, and no matter how hard I tried to forget about it, it would forever remain in my system. It would never go away and disappear, even if how many times I took a bath to wash them all away because it was already imprinted on my whole personality.

It was like a tattoo. You could remove it, but the marks would stay on your skin forever. The inner wounds would never heal. A rapist stole my virginity, and nothing could ever change it!

Hitting the rock bottom and getting sick about how my life turned out, I didn’t know how to start all over again. Every single thing was rotten now that my dark past started to show, giving me full torment.

It felt like my whole life was falling apart as I was being crushed into pieces. Now, how could I make myself whole again?

Would it be more satisfying if I would just give up? After all, my life had no clear destination, and I had no dreams to pursue anymore. I was already damaged, and that was what judgmental people would label me.

No one aside from my family would ever dare to love me. I was a raped victim, and that was what the blind society would only see me. 

In the eyes of condemnatory people-I wasn’t a woman of honor anymore. For them, I was already a careless and disgraceful one.

In just a snap of a finger, I became someone who no longer deserved to be respected-a very filthy woman. All of my achievements would suddenly become irrelevant.

With that thought, another beeping sound annoyed my ears. It looked like it could also damage my brain if I would still allow myself to hear it. It was like a sound of agony, ripping every part of me in a complete struggle. I ran again without even turning back from where I had started.

Then, I saw scenes where I continued living my life while attending different counseling sessions, psychological interviews, and testing aptitudes. With my teammates, who were mostly sexual harassment and rape victims too, I decided to open up and, at the same time, I peacefully brought myself to closure.

To boost my morale, I was willing to forget everything that happened. I was willing to gain back my lost self-confidence, willing to start a new life, willing to give myself a chance to finally move on, and willing to forgive that person.

I was more than willing, but not until…

After what I thought was a long sleep, I slowly opened my eyes and stared at the blurred ceiling. I guessed that it was the longest time I opened my eyes after having a lengthy dream. That was when I felt a throbbing pain in my head.

When my vision became clear, I found out that I was inside a clean and white room. I blinked my eyes more to make sure I wasn’t trapped in that awful nightmare anymore. I didn’t want to go back there, and I would rather die than experience it ever again.

But wait, where am I? What happened to me? I creased a frown.

I silently scanned the whole area and gasped after realizing that I was in the hospital. The whole room was a gigantic one-it was even bigger than combining the first and second floors of our house.

My mom and my two siblings were silently praying with their eyes closed. They were clutching their hands altogether, with Mom being at the center. They were comfortably seated to what I thought was a fleecy couch, placed at the left side of the room, although it was at the right side from my view.

With my reflexes, I tried to move my neck but to no avail. Thus, what I did next was to move my left hand and saw dextrose attached to it. I was able to move it, so I was freaking sure that my soul successfully came back to my own body.

By slowly moving my hand and touching my head, it dreadfully hurts despite being closely wrapped in a bandage. The pain was intolerable that I could even close my eyes due to anguish.

My neck was supported by a medical brace, and I could feel that some band-aids were also attached to my face. I tried to sit up, but both of my shoulders were sore as well. It looked like I sustained some fractures over there.

That was when I suited in contentment by lying on the soft mattress while checking out myself. I was relieved that my body was still in a complete state, that I could also move my feet, and all of my body parts were functioning well.